| let's just get this over with. |
[13/11/06] |
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At Linzi's request, I am updating this. :P
So yeah, College is boring, life sucks and i'm still single. I can't get her, and she has changed. SIGH.
Well this ha been fun. TTYL. <3
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[20/08/06] |
Don't ever tell me what I should do, or whats right to do. Especially when i'm telling you that I would enevr stop you from even SAYING WHAT you wanted to say.
KTHANX.
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| bleeding thoughts i once had of you, might aswell not have been formed. |
[17/07/06] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Devil Sold His Soul - Like Its Your Last |
] |
It's 2.45 on Monday morning, and i've just finished watching The Notebook.
Wow.
I really hate myself sometimes.
I hate letting myself get into messes and states like this.
I really hate how shit life is going just now.
I hate how theres only 1 or 2 people I can truely trust in the world.
I hate how I feel as if i'm losing more and more friends by the day. I hate how I let her go.
I hate how she's changed, even if it is for the better.
I hate how she's not mine.
I HATE it.
I hate how the last 2 nights i've sat by myself at home, drinking, in hope that I won't remember how shit life is.
I hate how it doesn't work.
I hate how that movie reminds me so much of her.
I hate how it made me laugh.
I hate how it made me cry.
I hate how I can't stop crying.
I hate how life is gonna change so much at the end of these holidays.
I hate how most of these holidays i've been by myself.
I hate how my 18th birthday was just a small gathering of friends, with no real drinking or anything, and nothing to fucking do.
I hate how the cocking internet is being gay.
I hate how playing games, and talking to people from Gumpcom, is the only thing that really soothes me these days, bar being with certain people.
I hate how i'm always second best.
I hate how I can't do anything right these days.
I hate how one of the most precious things to me (even if it is a fucking game) is just... dead.
I hate how pathetic that sounds.
I want life back to the way it was... so so badly.
I want them back.
I want her back.
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| Every hour, on the hour, they drew blood. |
[19/06/06] |
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This is a rant. As you may have already realised, it's all that ever goes in here. After some of the dhit thats happened recently, I think I am more than entitlaed to it.
God, where to start really.
From the top, the biggy.
So i thought I was cool with it all. We were all okay to start off with, we were upset but we still kept it together. Then things began to spiral a bit. I stick up for myself when her friends blatantly show that they hate me but try to cover it up, someone who I thought was my friend aswell, someone I have known much longer than her, but still, no rationality. What a 2-faced cow.
Then there was download. Brilliant weekend, bar a few things: heat, hay fever, seeing your ex with another guy only a couple of weeks after. I know he didn't know, but still, it just hurt how it happened again to her so quickly. It's good for her, yeah, and that's cool of course, it was just weird and very unexpected.
Now all I see is "I miss him" and "he's coming to see me"(obviously not me), *** this and *** that, shit like that. It's as if you purposely make it public for me to see it. How do you expect us to still be friends if you flaunt shit like that around, right infront of me.
THEN, how can you expect me to say to the only people in the world keeping me sane, that they are pathetic assholes? I don't think so, if your so eager to let them know, tell them yourself.
I can't remember the last time I felt like this. I haven't been single in over 2 years, I haven't had someone to hug, kiss and be with in more than 2 years, and now, this big empty hole in me is getting bigger and bigger the more this shit keeps going on.
But you know what? I think I might like someone just now too. I know you probably won't care, but I want you to know, because clearly you still want me to know all about you.
So this is my public message to you. Seeing as everyone knows all the shit that goes on in my life anyway, everyone else might aswell have a dig at me. Ffs, people knew about the whole thing ending before I even had a chance to tell *anyone*, but why amn't I surprised?
OMFGCMNTSPLZ!
xxx
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| If you were here I'd never have a fear, so go on live your life. |
[29/03/06] |
| [ |
mood |
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blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Oh My Fucking God - SYL. |
] |
I fucking knew this would happen.
I can feel it already.
And I dunno what to do about it.
No matter what I have done about it in the past, it just happens.
And I don't wanna be up at this time, talking abuot this, but I can never sleep.
So many things going on right now, so suddenly.
I didn't wanna do it all at the one time, fucking parents. Fucking liofe. Fucking growing up.
I need a fucking drink.
As good as life can be, when you are with your friends and "friends" in school, in reality, in the large spectrum of things, its all just a cover up.
This is why I need a drink.
Hmmm... Gemmells on Saturday. Will be good to see him and people. :)
Even if we'll hardly be there.
David got the MCR DVD.
I watched it.
I miss MCR. :(
Listening to them now, and I still know what it is I love about them. :)
I dont wanna go to school.
I don't wanna spend a second more on this stupid computing project.
I just want Stow to accept me or deny me so I can get out that fucking place.
As much as I can say that I miss people, and as much as they say it back, where is the fucking effort.
I knwo I am guilty of it aswell, but I have alot to do right now. Coomputing project, work, driving, family.
And to top it off, the one thing I have been majorly looking forward to, my 18th birthday present, I can't fucking have.
thats anotehr thing I hate, the rents saying they can get me this and that, and yeah, its nice that they offer, but whether they try or not is a different story, and don't fucking say you can get me it if their is a cahnce you can't.
Mmm... Linkin Park, so appropriate.
Wanna know what I miss?
Richard.
Watson.
Cammy.
Max!
Laura.
Hollie.
Notice how most of those people have bene the closest thing to me at some point in my life.
ALL OF THEM.
What the fuck does that mean?!
What am I doing wrong!?
Its not as if I take them for granted, NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST.
I cherish all my friends, cause without them I am nothing.
Myself and them know that.
Grant is having a Pimps n Ho's party next week.
Dunno what to do about that one.
Will be good to see people.
Some things always get in the way though.
I really shouldn't be up, may go watch some more of that MCR DVD.
Tis awesome.
Love you. xxx
St. Johnny.
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| Sing like you think no-one's listening. |
[22/02/06] |
| [ |
mood |
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blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
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From First To Last - The Levy |
] |
I'm really tired, and thinking about stuff. Oh noes, you guessed it, i'm in a shit mood.
I miss some people.
Some more than others.
What the fuck happened to us?!
Sometimes I wonder if people even consider me acquaintances anymore.
It's fucking upsetting.
What have I done to anyone but myself to deserve this shite?!
Seriously.
There are good things for me.
Great things.
Some may not be as great as they were or as iI wished, but still.
I can't remember the last decision I made without someone complaining about it in the slightest.
Even just going on the fucking computer.
FFS.
As sad as it sounds, games are my release (aswell as a bottle of wine obviously. :P), and I even get yelled at when I do that.
I feel sick.
Thats another thing, I can't eat any amount of anythign without feeling sick.
Then there are certain people.
Certain people who make you feel shit about their relationship, and don't give 2 ounces of effort to fix it.
More like avoid it.
Everyone seems so... fake these days.
To me anyway.
Then there is HER. :@
I dunno why I am getting so annoyed about this, but I am.
I could strangle her.
She's the most 2-faced cow on this planet.
This is why I hate holding grudges.
I'm sitting here worrying, hating and losing sleep because of it (more the expression, maybe not literally) while she is probably sitting at home all happy and snug.
Make sense? Yes and no.
Radio's In Heaven! <3
Thats another person that I miss.
Was looking their MySpace earlier.
Haven't seen them in ages, they seemed to kinda have changed, but i dunno, maybe for the best if so?
Also looking my MySpace "friends" list, and wondering how many of them are really my friends.
Puretone! Haha, this reminds me of Tribes 2! <3 Best game ever.
I'll round this up for now.
Night.
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| no one really knows what they are searching for. |
[30/01/06] |
| [ |
music |
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good charlotte - we believe |
] |
I feel so crap that I think I wil update this...
probably one of the worst days ever.
got a reply from strathclyde. 2 A's and summer school! fucking brilliant. I couldn't get A's at highers i was good at, what makes anyone think i can get it at a suject i DESPISE, and an ADVANCED higher?
plus the idea of sumemr school is stupid, i could be out earning money for college next year. plus whats the point in going to sumer school for 1 subject that is the hardest of of them to pass, and isn't the one i wanna go for first? the one i prefer (glasgow) is only ab AB.
and now i am being patronised. -_- ranted at without even the glimemr of thought that i might be down, infact, they know i am REALLY down, yet they persist. thank you.
i could leave school tomorrow without a farewell and not give 2 shits. it's horrible. 6th year is fucked. everyone is overly self-centred. i hate not having money either, and i know i keep saying it, but i need a job. i have tried.
haven't listened to this song in a while. tis very pretty. :)
whats also frustrating is that i have had re-install my favourite game more than 3 times today, losing most of my downloaded and saved data for it. -_- i had ideas and thigns i was gonna do with that. the one thign i know i am really good is just fucking up at my feet aswell. i know it's a game, but we all have our wee special things... poerty, art, sport, stuff like that. miens games, this one in particular. (slap)
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| PLAIN WHITE T'S! :D |
[30/10/05] |
| [ |
music |
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Plain White T's - Stop |
] |
Fuck Simple Plan.
PLAIN WHITE T'S!
everyone should go download. Unfortunately they aren't touring here anytime soon, but they are more than worth a listen! :D
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| You're so predictable. |
[26/10/05] |
| [ |
mood |
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okay |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Good Charlotee - Predictable |
] |
I'm not making the effort this time. I'm fucking sick of it.
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| Is this the way a toy feels, when it's batteries run dry? |
[06/06/05] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 shite. |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Brand New |
] |
I am updating this for the first time in a bazillion years out of the sheer emptiness i am feeling, and the bitterness I am also feeling towards certain people... and i do hope they see it.
Infact... i'm leaving it here... and i'm not pointing out anyone in particular. I just wanna say that what happened is nothign that should be commented on unfairly and immaturely. If you knew what was going on then yu would maybe be able to understand, and stop making such inconsiderate and naive comments for everyone to see.
Fuck off and die.
Johnny. x.
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| And there's no room in this hell. |
[27/01/05] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 :) |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
MCR - Early Sunset Over Monroeville |
] |
My Chemical Romance and Taking Back Sunday!
BEST FUCKING GIG EVER! By far.
I spoke to Adam Lazarro on stage! :O
Fuck.
Life is great just now. Apart from one small thing, which hasn't really got much to do with me but still anooys me.
:)
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[09/01/05] |
| [ |
mood |
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great! |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Good Charlotte - Hold On |
] |
Step 1: Open up whatever MP3 program you use and add every song in your collection.
Step 2: Put it on random.
Step 3: Pick lines from the first 20 songs that play.
Step 4: Post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from.
Step 5: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly.
Step 6: DON'T RUN THEM THROUGH A SEARCH ENGINE.
( Read more... )
Life is great.
I miss you Laura.
Feel better soon!
Cathouse was fun.
Trains are bitches.
Help the Tsunami Appeal.
Bubyessssss.
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| Whatever poisons in this bottle, will leave me broken, sore and stiff. |
[24/12/04] |
| [ |
mood |
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but hating parents (not mine) |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Brand New - Jude Law and a Semester Abroad |
] |
1) List a moment we shared in 2004 (hopefully a good one, please!)
2) Favourite film of the year, if you please.
3) A song that sums up this year for you.
4) A quote that made you get through this year.
Pass this onto your own Livejournal, if you please. Which means you should do it.
-------------------------------
Bumped from Daniel! :P
Also... if you haven't already read... on Janes journal their is a story about a hints of a possible (possibly terrorist) attack on Central Station tomorrow. This sorta thing wouldn't usually bug me without good reason but there is a whole story behind why this alligationn is being made, and its got me kinda edgy, because i'm meant to be going to town tomorrow with Max. So... anyway.
-------------------------------
This world,
This world is cold.
But you don't,
You don't have to go.
You're feeling sad, you're feeling lonely, and no one seems to care.
Your mother's gone and your father hits you,
This pain you cannot bear.
But we all bleed the same way as you do.
And we all have the same things to go through.
Hold on, if you feel like letting go.
Hold on, it gets better than you know.
Your days,
You say they're way too long.
And your nights,
You can't sleep at all,
Hold on.
And you're not sure what you're waiting for, but you don't want to know more.
And you're not sure what you're looking for, but you don't want to know more.
But we all bleed the same way as you do.
And we all have the same things to go through.
Hold on, if you feel like letting go.
Hold on, it gets better than you know.
Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over.
Hold on.
What are you looking for?
What are you waiting for?
Do you know what you're doing to me?
Go ahead...What are you waiting for?
Hold on, if you feel like letting go.
Hold on, it gets better than you know.
Don't stop looking, you're one step closer.
Don't stop searching, it's not over.
Hold on, if you feel like letting go.
Hold on, it gets better than you know.
Hold on.
------------------------------
Forgot how much I love that song. :)
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| It isnt that much fun, staring down a loaded gun. |
[22/12/04] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cheerful... for 2 at night. :P |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
My chemical Romance - Cemetery Drive |
] |
I know its a boyfriend...
But i love this result...
You wanna know why?...
Because...
ITS MY FUCKING CHEMICAL ROMANCE!
Thats why bitches.
And i'm obsessed so much i could cry. (how emo?! :P)
Bubyes.
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make1thurt's journal
tired
and hungover